07/07/2014

Day 90. Sidestep


This is a strange sidestep from my slow journey. Today I have a deadline. I have to send in a proposal for a residency I would love to be part of. It is called Performance as Process and that is exactly what I am doing right now. But because that is exactly what I am doing right now, it is almost impossible to write an application. I found the time to think and write about it, but there are strict rules concerning format I have to follow writing it and on my tiny iPad it is hard. I spent hours finding the right apps to fill out pdf forms, make multiple page pdf's from photos, make e-mails containing more than 1 attachment, spending hours downloading the apps and figuring out how they worked. I realised I did bring my perfect documentation files on a stick but it doesn't work with my iPad and out here it is hard to find a proper computer to work on. I managed to put something together but it isn't perfect, I couldn't get the image quality the way I wanted it and I didn't manage to put in text with my images. Well. That is the way it is. And I figured that, since I am in the middle of my 96 day performance, this struggle is part of my performance too, so I should write about it and of course I hope the selection committee will read this and appreciate my writing an application for Performance as Process being part of my own performance as process.

This morning I will finish it and send it of. I never wrote an application in a stranger situation. Last night, day 89, I walked until late and found an out of use and unlocked hunter's cabin in a perfect location. The entrance to the ladder was hidden behind some bushes and there was a stream running behind it so I could wash. It was hot inside, all the windows were closed and the floor was covered in dead moths.

It is situated high up in the trees, right now it is noisy because the wind is strong and branches scrape along the outside walls. There is a window in every wall and last night I saw the small village of Willendorf bathing in the moonlight from one of my windows. Maybe the name rings bells, like it did with me. Yes, the Venus of Willendorf was found there, one of those beautiful stone female figurines from the paleolithic age. Apperently these days you shouldn't call it a "Venus" anymore: the nickname, urging a comparison to the classical image of "Venus," is now controversial. According to Christopher Witcombe, "the ironic identification of these figurines as 'Venus' pleasantly satisfied certain assumptions at the time about the primitive, about women, and about taste." (from wikipedia: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf). I find that nonsense. They recieved this name, let them keep it.

The cabin is almost big enough to stretch myself out in from one corner to the other. There is a chair with a pillow and I am sitting on it now, writing this so I can add the link to my application, send it off and quickly get back to the walking. Although it would be a perfect place to stay all day and write, to look out of my windows. There will be a thunderstorm tomorrow though and I have to get moving. Only a week left. Being slow can make time go fast.

(I suspect I've been too quick in my conclusions. Apparently there are more villages called Willendorf in lower Austria. This might not have been "the one" after all. But anyway. It did make me think about the Venus.)

06/07/2014

Day 89. Saying goodbye to a river

I left Melk and Knut the Icebear. He was working today. Which ment asking people for money. He would work hardest around seven when he was hoping to win this week's Lotto jackpot. "I will look for you if I won a million," he said, "I'll send the police around with megaphones, shouting "Monique, where are you?" Or I can rent a helicopter and look for you myself."

I said goodbye to the Danube. A new road was waiting for me.

Another hot day. I walked another Radweg, the Pielachtalradweg, through Spielberg, Loosdorf, Obergrafendorf. Not far from the small village of Willensdorf I found another hunters cabine. It was next to the bike trail but hidden well. The cabin stuck out of the treetops, that is why I had noticed it, but the entrance through the bushes to the high ladder was difficult to find.

There was a stream next to it. A huge tree shaped like a seat in front of it. I dragged C. up the ladder. It is somewhat complicated always but there are straps on the back so I can carry the cart like a backpack.

It was unlocked. It hadn't been used for a while. It was hot hot hot inside and the floor was covered with dead moths. There were spiderwebs in the corner but once I opened the windows, one in every wall, removed the moths, it was quite comfortable. There was a small bench and a chair with a pillow. A door I could lock from the inside. A river I could wash myself and my cloths in. Beautiful views to all directions. I could see the moon over Willendorf from the east and the north window, the fields from the south window and the river Pielach that gave the bike trail and the valley its name, from the west window. It was small but almost big enough to lie down in, putting my head in one corner and my feet in the other. It was defenitely one of the best places I had stayed in until now. Not the most comfortable one but it had been a long time since I had a place really to myself. In hostel rooms you have to be in time for breakfast, check out before 10 when you're lucky, when you're couch surfing you have to take your host into account, in the fields or woods you have to make sure nobody sees you and you can't really stay for two night in a row. Here I had everything I needed and the freedom to do what I wanted. Ah, how wonderful to be so happy with so little.

When I get home, wherever that is, I will build myself a treehouse. Or I will find one somewhere and call it home.

05/07/2014

Day 88 (2). The return of Knut the Icebear


I didn't feel like walking up to the giant benedictine monastery but it seemed strange as well to finally be so close to it (I saw it often from a distance, driving to Slovakia) and not at least see what it looked like from the outside at close range. The campsite where I stayed was also the Fährhaus, the place where the big tourist boats, doing a slow Danube cruise would stop over for the night and spit out the crowds of Americans, Japanese, Australians, Europeans to walk up the monastery steps and pay the € 10,- I couldn't afford.

Maybe this is a good moment to talk about money. Especially since by the end of the day I would unexpectedly meet Knut the Icebear again, who really doesn't have any money, apart from some days when he is lucky. Today was one of his lucky days.

I am not poor. I have a bank account with enough money to pay the €10,- for the Melk monastery entrance fee without hesitating. To pay for a hotel in Melk and a diner somewhere. But on my walk I only use the money I received from people who want to support me. When I left I had € 1204, not much, but I figured money would come in during the walk so I counted on € 15 a day for 96 days. By now I received € 1796,50, which means € 18,71 a day. I managed well. Partly because there were many people on the road who gave me shelter, food, coffee, books, maps, partly because I slept outside or in abandoned places and bought most of my food in supermarkets. There were quite some proper meals in restaurants too, glasses of beer at the end of a long walking day, the occasional hostel or cheap hotel. Some of the money, gifts, things I needed on the road I received came from friends and relatives, but most of it was donated by strangers. Now and then somebody from the USA, New Zealand or Sweden would put €10, €20 sometimes even €50,- in my PayPall account. They must have seen my blog through their friends' Facebook pages or read the article I wrote for The Dark Mountain Project. Sometimes people on the road gave me money. Payed for my meal. Didn't charge me for the accomodation. I sometimes asked for a discount but usually I just told my story and people would give. In Melk I asked though. And I used the word pilgrim.

I hadn't planned to even try to go inside but when I was there I thought it was strange that it wasn't possible to enter the church through the proper door, only through a small door at the side where you could walk some meters to a fence blocking the way to the church proper. You could do your prayers in the corner and leave.

Don't get me wrong, I am not religious and I don't want to pray. I am not a pilgrim in the religious sense of the word. But I have been thinking about this word a lot. When are you a pilgrim? Why do
People who are not relgious at all and have money and got themselves a pilgrim pass to make the walking easier have a right to use specific cheap accomodation and somebody walking the world slowly, taking the time to talk with people about important subjects, trying to share as much as possible, give attention, doesn't? And what if you are a "proper" pilgrim and you want to visit the church in the Melk monastery? You have to pay €10,- or stick to the corner designated to people who don't want to or can't pay.

I decided to see what happened if I explained about my journey, using the words pilgrim and artist, telling I would like to see the monastery from the inside but only had €18,- a day. So I did. And got a discount offered at first. € 5,50 is still a third of my daily budget though. So the kind woman behind the desk made me a guest of the house. But not without saying she hoped I was honest. I hope I am honest too. I think I am. I do my utmost best to be as honest as possible.

It was quite overwhelming, all the gold and glitter, lots of mirrors, Benedictus wanted you to look at yourself. His words were everywhere, done in an artistic way. I wondered what happened to simpleness and soberness.
The library was amazing, these old libraries always are. I wanted to open the books, but of course you aren't allowed to do that. Understandable. The church was the last building in the route. There were two catacomb saints, who were given to the monastery as gifts by two different persons in the 18th century. Their skeletons were beautifully dressed. They were on display in a glass sarcophagus, Clemens and Friedrich.

In the gardens a similar display of mirrors and words. A nice herbal garden where I laughed about the particular part where they were cultivating nettles. It had a wooden sign, explaining what they were and what use they had. I bet the gardener spent a lot of time removing them from other parts of the garden they liked better.

The campsite was busy when I returned and although the field was huge, people must have thought my particular spot, where I had been on my own in the morning, was the best spot. Some tents were almost glued to mine. I escaped to the Fährhaus terrass where I heard somebody say my name. It was Knut the Icebear, the tramp with the bike, carrying around his tv, the man who called himself a nomad and whom I had given some money in Grein. He had been lucky today. He had played the one armed bandits in the Casino and had won. He bought me a big glass of wine. He was at the campsite, he had installed his tent. He told me he had his kitchen corner, his reading corner and his bedroom. I saw the tent later on. It wasn't as tiny as my tent but it was hardly big enough to stand in. In Grein we had talked little. I hadn't liked his negative stories about foreigners and his ongoing rattle about how unlucky he had been in his life but it was a strange coincidence to see him here again and being on your own on the road it is nice to be recognised. I was curious too. Despite of his continuous complaining he had something sympethatic. I wondered what he had been like before he started moving around.

Apperently he always wandered around in the same area. He had been on this particular campsite once when there was a lot of snow. I guess that is where his nickname came from. He said they were already waiting for him on the other side. It sounded as if he was on tour. But he would be in a house from September on, at least until spring next year, maybe even for a full year. "My manager arranged it for me," he said. Later on he gave me his manager's address, in case I wanted to write to him. And he gave me his future one. A chalet next to a castle in Attersee am Attersee. "Villa Orleans". He drew the castle and the location of the chalet and told me there would be room for me if I needed a place to live. He wrote his info on a piece of paper he had torn out of a book. It was under the printed line "Das Leben ist doch schön, dachte er und atmete tief ein. So schön ... so verdammt schön." (Life is beautiful he thought and took a deep breath. So beautiful ... so damn beautiful.)

He ordered us another drink. He payed. He promised me he would make me coffee next morning. He didn't, he forgot. But he did come over the next morning early to wave me out. "It always hurts to say goodbye" he said.







Day 88. A leaf.

Melk. I've seen the big monastery many times, but only from a far distance. I camp at the foot of the hill it is built on. It is enormous. I won't go in. It is expensive. I don't pay to visit religious buildings. Ever.

My neighbours at the campsite are leaving. They are equiped well, experienced travellers. Two bikes and a small cart behind it. Their tiny baby daughter is in it.

Her father changes her diapers before they leave. She cries. He says: "Look, a leaf!" He gives her the leaf and talks about the leaf, how beautiful it is and how green. She holds it in her hands and looks at it. She is silent.

They take off. I wave them out.

04/07/2014

Day 86? 87? Lost in time

I got lost. No surprise. It always happens at some point. I've been out of time too long. But I like getting lost.

I asked an old friend, somebody I met on my walk last year, to walk with me on July 2d, to walk together with me on my last Danube day. I would leave the river after Ybbs. He loves rivers. I always think of him when I cross a river somewhere. We never met in real though. And we wouldn't on this day. He would walk in Denmark, we would both start at eleven. He would walk the path he had walked every day for years, the road from his house to his work, through the woods. The road he had walked for the last time as a pathologist last Monday. His last day at work ever.

It was a sunny day. I entered unknown territory, I walked along the Danube bank I had seen from my balcony in the villa where I had stayed for four days and then I walked around the corner. New land. A new river but the same old Danube. Pirate flags and the Devil's Bed in stone. Raspberries everywhere. My feet moved easily.

I walked until Ybbs and there I had to say goodbye but I didn't. I walked on. The river on my left side still. The evening was falling and I walked until it was dark. I heard the beavers jump into in the water as I was walking by.  I saw them floating in the water, dark shapes in a dark surface.

I didn't find a good place for my tent but it was warm and I found a nice tree with overhanging branches under which I could roll out my sleeping bag. Next morning it would be covered in slugs but I didn't think about it then. And next afternoon I discovered it hadn't been July 2d after all but July 3d and I had promised another man I would walk with him on that day.

Small chaos. But I will order it with words. Here I can go back in time.

03/07/2014

Day 86. Bach

You never really get a good insight into the characters in the movie. Most of the time you don't really see their full bodies either. They are awkwardly cut off in the middle, a part of the head is missing, another body is in the way. They seem to be stuck. Stuck in their lives. Stuck in this beautiful movie. Ida. Black and white, the old 3:4 format, wonderful photography.
Ida is about to take the vows to become a nun, she is a novice, she grew  up in the monastery. Before she takes the big step, she gets a chance to see real life. To search for her roots. She meets her aunt, they go on a roadtrip looking for her parents graves. Ida didn't know that her parents were Jews, killed in the war. She doesn't say much, Ida. Her eyes are big. Only after her aunt dies unexpectedly she starts tasting. Cigarettes, jazz music, alcohol, sex. A bit cliché, but it doesn't matter. After she has tried everything, she returns. Apparently without hesitation. She doesn't take the bus and it is a long way. She walks, her suitcase in her hand. It is the only time you hear music in the movie which isn't there in a natural way. Until then the music always came out of radios, record players, real instruments. When she has taken her decision, when she walks, the music surrounds her. Bach.

Afterwards I talk to the man who invited me to the movie. He is in charge of the cinema. He sells the tickets, decides on the program, makes the popcorn, does the administration, maybe cleans as well, I am not sure. He has been doing it for 12 years now, he loves it and he does it well, there is a very nice, small program for a city with only a few thousand inhabitants. Sometimes he wonders if there isn't something else he should do though. The eternal question of staying and leaving.

We drink beer and talk while other people watch the second movie and afterwards he shows me the historical cafe from the beginning of the former century, a two minute walk from the cinema. We talk more, he asks many questions, new questions, not the ones I got so used to. But we also talk about how valuable it is to find new answers  for the old questions.

I tell him the end of the movie struck me because I also like to walk with Bach. At some point in my walk I needed some Bach on the way and I had Glenn Gould's Goldberg Variations emailed to me because for some reason there was no Bach in my iPod. 

We talk until the cafe closes. We say goodbye three times to make sure we are really leaving. I take my pink bike and find my way in the dark. Along the river in the wrong direction first, then cross the bridge and along the lonely road. It is so dark I can hardly see the difference between the water and the road. My bike doesn't have a light or maybe it does but I prefer the darkness.The road is slightly darker than the Danube so I stay on the black.

The next morning, this morning, I go for breakfast. Usually there is the radio in the background, playing a variation of classical music. Now it is a Cd. Glenn Gould playing Bach. 

I eat my breakfast. I listen. Afterwards I sit on my balcony for the last time and look at the spot where the Danube makes a bend and disappears out of sight. I pack. I leave. I walk. There is no music. But there is the sound of the river.


Today's story is for Glenn Hall

02/07/2014

Day 85. On leaving

It felt like a sea of time. When I arrived here, an old villa across the Danube a few kilometers from Grein, I decided to stay 2 nights but already the next morning I started thinking about another 2 nights. I wanted to write my stories and think and embroider and write an important application and wash my cloths and organise things. Most important of all: I wanted to think about all that had happened before I would leave the mighty river and walk into the mountains.

I always want too much. I always think too much. The first day I only slept. The second day my body tried to get back into its natural rhythm which is working at night. The third day, this morning, my body told me it wanted to stay. My lower back gave me a very painful warning. But I won't listen. I have to go tomorrow.

And now it is the last afternoon on my balcony and there is so much I still want to do. It is impossible. So the best thing is to do nothing. To sit. To be. To look at the river. Because all of those things I could do on another day. But sitting on this balcony with the Danube and the surrounding hills withing spitting distance won't happen again.

I will pour myself some wine and close my computer. After I add these words, words I wrote in Bamberg after I left Königsberg:


I left again. Just after I arrived.
The leaving was already there
Had arrived the same time I arrived

I didn't unpack.
I didn't take off my shoes.
I didn't love anybody too much.
Only a little more than leaving requires.

Only a lot.

But leaving is easy
When you live in it
When leaving means staying with yourself



Today's story is for Henrik Bondo (although I didn't knew when I wrote this, explanation at day 87)